Hair Care
by SpartanBitches
Summary: From the crackalicious minds of Sparta's leaders comes a story of really really bad hair, Golem-like mothers, and maybe a little romance if we get to it. Hermione/Rapunzel has never left Ravenclaw Tower or her protective mother, but she might just find her way out through the infamous thief Draco Malfoy. Dramione!
1. Chapter 1

**Sup Mofos! The empress has arrived- along with my bitch *cough* I mean adviser- to bring you something to please your brain-dead imaginations. Enjoy.**

Once upon a time in Ravenclaw Tower-

"Why are we in Ravenclaw Tower?" asked a mysterious unidentified main character.

Because we said so, damn it. Anyway, once upon a time in Ravenclaw Tower, there lived a girl who had never seen the world _outside _of Ravenclaw Tower- or, apparently, a barber, because sheesh her hair was gnarly. This girl was named Hermione, unless you ask her mother, who insists her name is Rapunzel. Crazy bitch. Anywho, this girl Hermione spent most of her time with her badass chameleon friend Neville, singing and cleaning like she's motherfrumping Snow White.

"~Seven a.m. the usual-" Hermione began to sing.

No singing! Exclaimed the fourth-wall-breaking authors.

"But-"

We said no.

"Please?'

Heckie nah.

And that was the end of that.

Anywho numero two, she was chilling with Neville, singing and all that fabulous jazz, when out of the blue her negligent mother, Bellatrix- we assume she's negligent because she doesn't seem to live in Ravenclaw Tower with her daughter- decided to pop in for a visit.

"Yo Rapunzel, hoist me up would ya?"

Obediently she did so-because we wrote her in as Bellatrix's obedient little bitch- using her gnarly ass hair which for some reason Bellatrix is okay with touching. Once Bellatrix was in, Hermione opened her arms for a hug and was blatantly REJECTED. How rude. Neville then took the opportunity to stick his tongue out at Bellatrix- who also looked like she hadn't seen a barber or a mirror in quite some time- while her back was turned.

"How was your journey Mother?" asked Hermione eagerly.

"Boring as hell," Bellatrix replied, slumping down in a chair. "Now, come hither you frizzy-haired frea- I mean darling child, let me caress your hair. " Hermione went diving to the floor in order to make her pimp- I mean mother- happy sooner. Bellatrix proceeded to then stroke Hermione's ratchet hair creepily, while singing one scary-ass song to it. Like Golem.

"Flower, gleam-"

We said no singing.

"Who the hell are you?! Avada-"

Uh-uh, naughty naughty.

While Bellatrix was molesting Hermione's hair and Hermione was squealing over the little affection she was given, a question came to the hag- I mean, young woman's mind.

"Mother?"

"Yes Rapunzel?"

"I've been wondering," she began slowly. "Now that I'm seventeen-"

"What?! I call BS, aren't you like twelve?" Bellatrix protested.

"…No. Anyway, now that I'm seventeen, I was wondering if you would let me see the outside world? Or hell, the rest of the castle would be cool too." Bellatrix was angered by her daughter's vulgar language.

"Bitch, I told you not to use that kind of fucking language!" Bellatrix exclaimed. Hermione squeaked and bent to kiss her mother's feet.

"I'm sorry Mother!"

"You better be, little fucker. Now enough of this conversation, I'm gonna go pick some weeds to put in your soup. PEACE!"

**Gueeeess what time it is! That's right ma peeps! Review. Review like your fucking crazy. It'll take five freaking seconds. Look. See that button at the bottom of the page. It is calling to you. It will haunt your nightmares if it remains unpleased. Do you want that? I thought not. So review damn it.**

_My apologies, she's a bitch when she doesn't get Twinkies. Reviews please?_

**More to come if your empress is pleased!**


	2. Chapter 2

_We're back! Well just the advisor (me). The Empress is out making "Important Executive Decisions" pertaining to Sparta! So please enjoy chapter two of our story! Have Fun! Stay Sassy!_

Meanwhile somewhere in the Forbidden Forest…

A dashing young man and his ginger henchmen *cough* bookends *cough* were dancing around like idiots with a magic hat. Well, the bookends were anyway. The dashing young man couldn't quite remember why they decided it would be like totes cool to steal a freaking hat.

"Why did we steal a hat again?" he asked redundantly. One half of the bookends shrugged.

"To hell if we know," the other replied. The dashing young man pondered this for a moment, then shrugged.

"F.I.S.H.*," he decided, and then joined in the dancing and merrymaking. Suddenly, they heard something coming crashing and thundering through the Forest toward them. The dashing young man screamed in a totally manly way. It was the castle guard, led by his greatest foe! Dun. Dun. DUN.

"Malfoy!" Potter yelled at him.

"Ah, shit," the dashing young man/Malfoy muttered. "Weenie escape plan is go, now now now!" he yelled to his henchmen. The first of them, Fred, instantly pulled some weird black rock out of his pocket, yelled "Abra Cadabra!" and threw it to the ground dramatically, where it created a blinding puff of smoke. When the smoke cleared, unfortunately, the thieves were still standing there.

Dumbasses.

Clearing his throat, Malfoy said, "Well this is awkward…" and then, "Every man for himself!" He snatched the hat off of George's head and went charging boldly through the forest.

"Dude, I was dancing with that!" George yelled, chasing after him. His brother followed suit because of an invisible puppet string that attached the two of them and made them each other's bitches.

"Bitch, I didn't say you could leave!" Potter cried indignantly, giving his trusty steed Ron a good kick and setting off after them.

Yes, Harry rides Ron, and no, they don't think that's gay at all.

Harry's pursuit of Draco continued -although it failed rather epically- for about five minutes. Draco dashed between the trees, ducked under branches, and most importantly, leapt girlishly over logs and roots. Ron, however, didn't care much about his rider. He charged through the forest, bumping into trees and tripping over those "oh-so pesky" roots, thoroughly jostling Harry and knocking his head a few times before he fell off altogether. Ron continued to run without him.

"You slut!" Harry yelled after him. "I thought we had something special!"

Since he continued anyway, we think it's safe to assume that Ron didn't think that.

Their chase eventually brought them out of the forest and rushing towards an obscenely large castle close by. The doors were open, but Draco, being the badass he was, chose to crash through a window next to it. _Doors are too mainstream, _he thought to himself as he did so. Ron was far less hipster and chose to instead make use of the open door. And no, it's not because he was too fat to fit through the window. Unfortunately, Draco managed to gain some ground through his stupidity and Ron could no longer see him.

"Phew," he muttered to himself, leaning against the door he had just slammed shut. "That was close."

"What dafuuuuuuq?" He heard someone say, and then he felt something collide with his head. A ferret. Where the hell did somebody get a ferret? He fainted from confusion.

_Please write a Review!_


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